Thursday, March 25, 2010
Am I expecting too much?
Just as we were getting a bit too comfortable playing the Type 1 game, the rules have all changed on us again. Looking at Adele's blood sugar values Wednesday evening, I said to myself "Wow, what a good day, the small changes that I had just made to her insulin-to-carb ratios were just right. We can totally do this. And really it ain't so bad."
Here are Wednesday's game highlights:
Wednesday, March 24th, 2010
7:00 am -> 7.1 / 128
9:50 am -> 5.6 / 101
11:50 am -> 5.4 / 97
3:30 pm -> 5.9 / 106
5:25 pm -> 5.9 / 106
8:30 pm -> 7.1 / 128
But then, things suddenly changed. Just like they always do without notice or any logical explanation.
10:00 pm -> 12.1 / 212 (too high, corrected with 0.8u)
Thursday, March 24th, 2010
2:00 am -> 10.3 / 185 (still too high, corrected with 0.2u)
7:00 am -> 14.3 / 257 (still too high, quite aggressive with insulin to correct and cover b'fast, gave 3.0u)
8:55 am -> 18.2 / 328 (still not coming down, gave another 0.5u)
10:10 am -> 7.7 / 139 (that's a bit better before am snack)
11:45 am -> 14.1 / 254 (no luck, too high before lunch)
2:00 pm -> 9.9 / 178 (coming down a bit, but still too high)
Here we go again...
Every single time that I glance down at Adele's blood glucose meter after the last beep when the result appears on the screen and I see a high number, I feel like someone has just shoved a knife right in my chest. All that I can imagine is her every organ being poisoned and attacked by the toxic high glucose blood. Images of her eyes, her kidneys and her limbs being assaulted are all that I can think about at that very moment. How would you feel if someone was physically hurting your child at a particular moment and you suddenly became aware of it? You'd likely become quite enraged (or even just "lose it") and do everything that you could to make that person stop to protect your child. Parents have been known to do pretty crazy things when it comes to protecting their offspring. And this happens to Type 1 gamers on a regular basis. Have I gotten used to it since it happens so often? No, not really. The stabbing pain that I feel at that moment doesn't hurt any less. And it also explains why I sometimes overcorrect Adele's highs by being too aggressive with insulin. At that moment, I'm usually in a state of panic wanting so bad for this Type 1 attacker to stop hurting my princess right away! My reaction is then no longer logical but rather an unconscious survival reflex.
So we're doing all that we're "supposed to". We're being "model" Type 1 gamers in the eyes of our Diabetes care providers, "doing a real good job" apparently and we're still dealing with stuff like this... And following other Type 1 blogs, I realize that we're not the only ones. Why is it that "not dying" is an acceptable Type 1 Diabetes standard in modern medecin? What about living? It may just be me not accepting this whole Type 1 life sentence, but I can't help but think that there's gotta be something better out there for our Type 1 kids...