After years of working on myself in psychotherapy and five weeks of vacation last summer, when I felt the best that I had in a very long time, I made the mistake of thinking that I was finally done. I made the mistake of believing that I was fully recovered. After a relapse of concussion symptoms and the ensuing depression this fall, I now realize that complete healing is really but a fantasy. We can only become less fucked. Be here now is a reminder that I will always carry my concussion, my sexual abuse and the wear and tear of caring for a child with a chronic disease with me and that I need to honor my scars with more self-compassion. It’s a reminder to lean into the unpleasant and difficult feelings on the bad days and to fully embrace the good days knowing that they are both always fleeting.
As an endurance athlete I have spent years suffocating the inner voice inside of me that fosters health, safety and reason in order to be able to fearlessly race my bike as fast as possible. I have practiced silencing this voice for so long that it has become an automated response that now needs to be reprogrammed. Be here now is a reminder every single time that I get on a bike to listen to that inner voice in order to keep me safe. It’s about re-connecting with my instincts and intuition, slowing down and working with my body and its limits to keep me healthy and happy.
Be here now is my commitment to living in the moment as much as possible. And having these words permanently etched on my forearm at the very least makes me accountable. Now I’m just hoping that I can unapologetically walk this walk.