Thursday, November 1, 2018

Be Here Now


Be here now is about mindfulness.  It’s a pointer to awareness, to the true self, to the breath.  It’s an invitation to re-engage with the present moment, to re-connect to the truth, to let go of expectations and to release myself from the grip of the ego.  It’s a reminder of the hard lessons that I have learned these past years and that now that I know better that I should do better.  It’s about patience, presence and getting back to the elemental.  It’s about honestly acknowledging how I’m feeling instead of trying to hover above my feelings trying to avoid the truth.  It’s about sitting with my emotions, embracing them with compassion.  It’s about giving myself a hug every once in a while.  It’s about living authentically.

After years of working on myself in psychotherapy and five weeks of vacation last summer, when I felt the best that I had in a very long time, I made the mistake of thinking that I was finally done.  I made the mistake of believing that I was fully recovered.  After a relapse of concussion symptoms and the ensuing depression this fall, I now realize that complete healing is really but a fantasy.  We can only become less fucked.  Be here now is a reminder that I will always carry my concussion, my sexual abuse and the wear and tear of caring for a child with a chronic disease with me and that I need to honor my scars with more self-compassion.  It’s a reminder to lean into the unpleasant and difficult feelings on the bad days and to fully embrace the good days knowing that they are both always fleeting.

As an endurance athlete I have spent years suffocating the inner voice inside of me that fosters health, safety and reason in order to be able to fearlessly race my bike as fast as possible.  I have practiced silencing this voice for so long that it has become an automated response that now needs to be reprogrammed.  Be here now is a reminder every single time that I get on a bike to listen to that inner voice in order to keep me safe.  It’s about re-connecting with my instincts and intuition, slowing down and working with my body and its limits to keep me healthy and happy.

Be here now is my commitment to living in the moment as much as possible.  And having these words permanently etched on my forearm at the very least makes me accountable.  Now I’m just hoping that I can unapologetically walk this walk.  

#BeHereNow


2 comments:

Jeannine said...

Je ne pourrais pas l’expliquer mieux que tu l'as fait! Tu sais, on essaye tous d’être des supers etres humains et on essaye de sauver le monde; not!
Il est vrai aussi que souvent nous essayons de cacher nos faiblesses, nos ennuis, nos peines....et j'en passe!
Même avec de la thérapie, des lectures, des discussions, des écrits, les cicatrices restent et reviennent nous hanter...il faut être si vigilants pournqu'ils ne nous amènent pas dans ce tourbillon d’émotions qui contrôlent notre pensée et notre manière d’être!
Je suis contente de voir que tu es conscient de tout ça et que tu prends soin de toi!
Je fonctionne aussi avec le « ici et maintenant «  et je dois dire que c’est un outil fort pour moi....ça m'aide à me concentrer sur l’essentiel et surtout sur le fait que MOI AUSSI je suis importante et que je mérite de prendre soin de moi!
Bonne route vers ce qui te rendras plus serin et plus heureux!
Merci pour le partage; tu ne réalises complètement pas le bien que tu fais aux gens qui te lisent!
Luv you my friend! 😘😘😘

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