December. The very last month. The ill-lit season. The longest night. Nature’s down time. The natural world decelerating after this long year. Somnolent and tired. Tired of playing these games. Tired of contemplating every single possible scenario just in case. Tired of trying to fit into this mold. Tired of chasing someone else’s dream. Tired of pretending to be who they want me to be. Tired of living in this fear. Tired of clinging to the old. So many promises. So few fulfillments. I am still having a very hard time easing the pace even if I too am strongly feeling the accumulated fatigue from these last 12 months. Pressing on. Going through these motions on auto-pilot. Attempting to distract this racing mind using outer means. Resisting, even if deep down I understand that this inner stillness is necessary. To get rid of the old. To make room for the new. The old that is no more. Gone. Expired. Dead. I still tend to hold onto it. It’s all I know. It’s familiar. The new still completely unknown. Undecided. Pending. Terrifying. I have no idea what I’ll get. All I can do is trust. Trust that the new is exactly what I need, even if my mind doesn’t agree. Trust that it will all work its way out in the end. Trust in myself. In this darkest season, be your own light. 2021 is but a few weeks away. How open are you to what new it will bring?
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