It does have a name.
It is called “Post-Concussion Syndrome”, but to me it feels more like a
condition I would call “Personality Fraud”.
On the inside, I have been feeling like I am not really here, while on
the outside, I have been faking it in order to try to still be able to function
in the world. A new buzzword that I have
been very interested in the last few years is “mindfulness”, but lately, all I
can say is that I feel rather like the complete opposite, I feel “mindless”. “In a fog” and “out of touch” are other ways
of describing it. My symptoms include
dizziness, extreme fatigue, inability to concentrate and focus, anxiety and
depression. This injury has been unlike
any other injury that I have had to deal with.
At the time of my Pericarditis health crisis in April 2015,
my doctor told me that she saw it coming long ago. It was “diabetes burnout” disguised as viral
Pericarditis. She said that I managed to
last much longer than she expected. I
felt like death at the time, but my ego liked the comment. It was the epitome of what bike racers strive
for, to be “hard men”. A part of me was
proud of it. Now looking back, it surely
wasn’t a compliment because the longer I had been ignoring the warning signs
and simply putting my head down and continuing to push harder like if managing
Adele’s Type 1 was a bike race, the deeper I was digging myself into the dark
hole that I eventually found myself in.
Looking at it that way, it surely isn’t commendable, but rather very,
very stupid. Then again, if I had a
do-over, I think things would have to unfold the same way again. It just seems to be the only way that I
learn. And to be honest, I was just
dealing with the stress of being Adele’s Type 1 caregiver the only way that I
knew how. I was doing the best that I
could at the time.
I am not a doctor, but I have a theory that this physical
collapse last year was setting me up for the struggles that I have been facing
the last few months. I believe that
chronic stress and burnout cause biochemical changes in the brain not unlike
mental illness which rendered me more susceptible to injury. Not only did it affect my ability to focus
but also made the concussion symptoms worse since my brain was already
struggling with burn-out and exhaustion.
Again, I am not a doctor, but I just know in my gut that this is true in
my case. Looking back, I could feel it
happening last year when recovering from Pericarditis. I could feel that my brain was different. Understanding this doesn’t really change
anything except that it alleviates the suffering a tiny bit. I have no regret giving up what I lost while
trying to be the best pseudo-pancreas possible for Adele for the past 14 years. The only regret that I have is that I did
feel “off” on the day that I crashed and smashed my helmet in July. I
regret not listening to my intuition and either stopping or backing off. Again, nothing is gained going there, except
trying to learn what I need to from the experience.
I have been going through constant ups and downs since my
brain injury close to 4 months ago now. I have had good days when I feel close to
normal but most of the time I feel like my body is going through the motions,
but nobody’s home. What seemed like a
minor concussion initially seems to be quite adamant at staying longer than
expected. I thought that I was doing well
in August and started riding more, but to be honest, Cyclebetes really set me
back. The stress in organizing the event
along with too much riding too soon worsened my symptoms. A few days after our annual ride in support
of JDRF, I finally got in to the SportMed concussion clinic at the Université
de Moncton and the doctor told me that I was indeed doing too much too soon
which was lengthening my recovery. I was
really a mess, but in total denial. I
committed to healing and promised that I would only think about the bike after
becoming healthy again. This has proven
to be easier said than done. It is very
difficult for me to forgo all exercise after being so active for so long. Physio has helped a lot with regaining my
balance and some focus, but the fatigue and inability to push myself whatsoever
will still take some time. On the good
days, I feel like I can do more only to feel the symptoms return with a
vengeance the next day and linger for days afterwards. It has certainly been an exercise in
patience. I have started Bowen therapy
and am finding that it is helping a lot.
I messed myself up really good. Sometimes I get angry for letting it get to
this point. Other times I just look at
it as the path that the universe has set for me. Like I didn’t have a say in the way things
have unfolded, that it simply had to be this way. It is my soul’s curriculum. And my job is to learn the lessons that I
need to learn. True knowledge and wisdom
are gained through suffering.
I always feel the utmost sadness when I hear of children
diagnosed with Type 1 as babies because I know what the parents will be going
through. Looking back, I still don’t
know how we managed. As a parent, you do
what you need to do, but the stress of caring for a Type 1 baby / child is one
of the most stressful things that a parent can go through. The required effort is constant and
inhuman.
To my friends who see me and ask how things are going,
that’s the longish answer that I never bother to explain instead of the simple
“I’m doing pretty good, getting better”.
I apologize if I can’t seem to commit to anything lately. It’s just how things have been, up and
down. I only know as I go. Working full-time, I am quite tired at the
end of the day so I can’t really do much during the evenings except rest. Looking at the big picture, I can see
progress being made. It just hasn’t been
linear like most people assume. And as
much as I look “normal” on the outside, this is what’s been going on inside.
I’m happy that we’re now entering the “dark” season. I don’t feel like I’m missing out as
much. This is when wild animals prepare
to hibernate for the winter. I’m going
to follow their cue and keep on relaxing, recovering and healing also… The bikes will still be waiting for me next
spring. Now if I can just stay away from social media
with all of the cyclocross photos !
