Friday, June 2, 2023
This subdued underlying ache. This longing. It has lived inside me for so long that I had completely ceased to notice it. This hunger. This unease. With an undertone of grief. And a hint of shame. This subtle yearning for something. Redemption maybe. It tastes more like melancholy than depression even if I have definitely been swept into that dark place from time to time. Do other people also feel it? I’ve often wondered. Younger me actually assumed that everyone did. As every life phase passes, I convince myself that this too shall pass. That it will eventually leave me. Future salvation. After I pay my dues. Peace and happiness just around the next corner. That’s what everyone keeps telling me. One of my initial motivations to ride was to numb this discomfort. My best escape attempt. Giving me much needed temporary relief. But eventually always leading me back to what I was running away from. Yoga is teaching me how to stay put. Sitting with what is. Especially the things that make me feel uncomfortable. Leaning into what I have been trying so hard to avoid for so long. Slowly but surely making me feel more comfortable in this body. Mindful movement. Mindful breath. Guiding me to feel safe enough to let go of what I have been holding onto that is making me ill. Turns out that mindfulness added to my riding also has the same healing effect. Helping me fully feel to finally heal. My happy place. The place where I feel more present. Here. Now. Am I a cyclist who practices yoga? Or am I becoming a yogi who practices cycling? I guess it doesn’t really matter does it. Either way I always win.