Refocus

Sitting in a work meeting, my focus begins to wander. New work policies and developments are being communicated and debated, but my mind keeps drifting. No one seems to notice that even though I am physically there, my attention is not. Adele being at school and me at work, I don’t have any physical signs that her blood sugar is okay. I can’t seem to get rid of this uneasiness, but I need to refocus on my meeting...

I keep looking at my watch wondering. Over 2 hours since her breakfast insulin bolus, how much of that insulin is still actively working? I try to do the math in my head. She had dropped significantly in the third hour after breakfast and had gone low the day before, will she do the same today? She was a bit high at 9am when I spoke to her teacher’s aid and I had corrected, but did I over-correct? I am still not convinced, but then again I remind myself that I need to refocus on my meeting…

I had stepped out of the boardroom when Adele’s TA had called at 9am, but mentally I was still in the meeting. I had listened, calculated and told the TA to tell Adele to give herself 0.5 units of insulin. It was a quick decision. It had to be and now I was second guessing myself. What if Adele’s blood sugar is dropping too fast? She doesn’t always recognize her lows. Again, I try to refocus on my meeting…

It’s scary to think of the reality of a Type 1 gamers responsibility of calculating insulin dosages without the medical training of a doctor. And the fact that the repercussions of a mistake could be fatal. I then tell myself to not go there and refocus on my meeting…

The thing with calculating insulin doses is that yes you are using mathematical calculations, but in reality it’s nothing but a slightly educated guess. When someone asks me if Adele’s blood sugar will be good for the next few hours, I can never, ever be absolutely certain that it will even if we do every single thing that we’re supposed to. Especially since the severe insulin reaction last week (http://thetype1game.blogspot.com/2010/12/when-living-is-not-dying.html). Unexplanable highs and lows can and do happen at any time. You just hope that you can catch them in time.

Adele can eat the exact same food, receive the exact same insulin dose and have the same activity level on 2 consecutive days with different blood glucose level results. That’s all part of the Type 1 game. There are just too many uncontrollable variables in the blood glucose balance equation.

I eventually made it through my meeting. Adele’s blood sugar was 8.2 (148) at 10:20 am before her snack. A bit high, but not the low that I was worrying about. After a few days of this pattern, a bit more insulin after breakfast seemed to be what it took to keep her in range, until a few days later when it became too much and she dropped to 2.3 (41) before her morning snack at school.

Adele doesn't deserve to live this life... She didn't choose this. I'm tired and beat. But I can't go there, again I remind myself to refocus.