Flow State

Even with all my good intentions, I really haven’t been good at all at updating this blog. As of late, it seems that all that I can do is just follow the current of my life. I’m tired, not depressed, and just living in a constant “flow state”.

I’m not really sure if this is a realization that comes with age, or if it’s related to living with a chronic illness, but a few months ago, it suddenly hit me that I’m going to die. Until now, I had never really, really thought of this. I mean, I was just way too busy living. But in reality, it is one of the rare sure things that eventually happen to every single living organism on this planet. There is absolutely no way of avoiding it. The death of our physical body is inevitable. I mean, like everyone, I’d learned this as a child, but I had never really, really thought about the reality of it until now.

Personally, in a way, this knowledge has actually been a relief. It’s like studying for an exam when you know you have absolutely no chance of passing. All of a sudden, the stress and pressure of doing well dissipates and goes away. Studying becomes much more enjoyable and simply an opportunity to gain knowledge that will enrich your life. What I’m trying to say is that no matter how fit, healthy and strong I make my physical body, my final outcome is the same as everyone else, our physical bodies are going to die. On our death beds, we are all the same. The same as the chain smoker, the millionaire, the homeless drug addict, the superfit professional athlete. Our physical bodies all become fertilizer.

As a Type A personality perfectionist, being bombarded with all this advice as to what we should eat, how active we need to be and how we need a certain expensive product to enhance our life, it made me realize that even if I diligently follow each and every one of these guidelines that the outcome in the end is still the same – fertilizer. As a Type 1 gamer, the logic is the same. Even if I manage to attain excellent control, the end result is still the same as everyone else including non-gamers…

One of the best feelings that I get from riding my bicycle is carving through buff single track on my mountain bike. At speed, the whole thought process ceases and everything seems rather reflex based. Your body just seems to maneuver the machine automatically. You’re not thinking about how you’re riding, you’re just riding. This is probably the main reason why people like myself become addicted to riding bikes. This “flow state” brings you to the root of what it means to be alive. It strips out all of the “bullshit” that’s in our head and enables our body to make all of the decisions instead. This feeling of no-mind is incredibly powerful.

So the epiphany of realizing the true meaning of the old proverb “Don’t take life too seriously, no one gets out alive” has me seemingly living in a constant “flow state” not only on my bike but in Type 1 gaming as well. I’m letting my body play the game instead of my mind. We calculate carbs and insulin bolus amounts, correct lows and highs and just move on. When in this “flow state”, there is no dwelling on the past or looking too far ahead in the future.

I’m not really sure if I like this yet. I mean on one hand it’s the closest that I’ve been to really living in the NOW I guess, but on the other hand, during our last Diabetes clinic appointment, we were told that Adele's A1C was great but... she was having too many lows. We were just dealing with them and moving on without analyzing why and attempting to make the appropriate corrective changes.

In a way, it seems like you just can’t win while playing the Type 1 game… But then again is it really worth getting upset about since the final outcome is always the same – fertilizer?