Friday, September 4, 2015

A new me?

September 10th will be exactly 5 months since I woke up with chest pains and was diagnosed with Pericarditis.  I am now back at work full-time, feeling better but still not 100%.  

I believe that our purpose here on earth is to learn, but in order for this to happen we need to put in the work and be still enough to listen and closely pay attention.  And this work is likely that hardest work that we will ever do.  The results and benefits are very subtle unlike our more common outer pursuits.  But I do believe that the payoffs of this work are our greatest accomplishments and a true measure of a person’s success.  I have been living much slower and working very hard this past summer trying to learn what the universe is trying to teach me.  I like to believe that what I have lost in physical stamina and strength, I have gained in wisdom and depth.  In my opinion that’s what getting older should be like once you’re on the other side of the so-called “hill”.  Some days I’m much better at seeing the positive side of this experience and doing the work, other days not so much. 

In many ways I feel like I am stuck somewhere between where I was and where I need to be.  The new me seems to be doing very well until the old me suddenly makes an appearance, and if I’m not paying attention, takes over.  Too often, I have a difficult time determining what is too much.  My head judges and decides on a plan, but my body just tells me that it isn’t going to work once I get started.  My apologies if I have cancelled plans last minute lately with anyone reading this.  I have been trying to listen to my body for a change. 

A few weeks ago, I was frustrated with this feeling of being stuck in “no man’s land” between being sick and being healthy and fit.  I still get really excited thinking about biking and bike racing with friends, then my heart (and by heart I mean my physical heart) sends me these signals that really put a damper on this excitement.  When I’m rested and calm, I feel mostly normal, but as soon as I try to do too much and get fatigued, I feel these subtle twinges or mini cramps in my chest around my heart.  It’s like I’m now living with a built-in fatigue and stress barometer that I now need to listen to.  My doctor says that these symptoms are normal, but I can’t help but feel impatient at times.  Even on the good days I often live in fear having lost confidence in what I can and should ask or expect my body to do.  

Thinking about this I realize that one of the reasons that my recovery has been slow is because I still have to learn to be more patient.  What we resist persists.  It is really quite simple.  Having patience means learning to be okay with not knowing if or when I will be better.   

Sometimes I feel guilty for feeling bad about my health situation given that I can still ride my bike and live a normal life and that it could certainly be much worse, but other times a part of me feels self-pity.  I guess the important thing is to be aware of these feelings.  My job isn’t necessarily to fix anything but rather simply to recognize and acknowledge.  Once I manage to do this, the self-pity simply goes away. 

My journey back to health the last few months has also been a catalyst for letting go of the obsessive hold that I had been trying to maintain with Adele’s Type 1 Diabetes.  In a way, I didn’t really have a choice in this letting go process since I no longer had enough energy to keep trying to control everything and micro-manage every Type 1 gaming detail.  Adele told me the other day that she liked the new me better since I’m generally in a better mood more often now.  Strange how she can see this side of me while I often feel mostly consumed with frustration on the inside.  Thinking about this as I write, maybe I too like the new me better than the old.  Well, maybe not always, but at least on the good days… 

On Saturday, September 12th, I will again be biking in support of Type 1 Diabetes research in the 8th annual Mike's Bike Shop Cyclebetes ride to cure Type 1 Diabetes. 

Thank you

1 comment:

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