Social media is an extension of our ego where we get to
create a fake image of who we want to appear to be in real life. It’s not all bad, but it can be. I posted the above photo on Instagram as part
of Giant Bicycles Canada’s #MyTcx promotional tour. I look quite happy, healthy and like a bike
racer in the pic which is why I posted it.
My friend Don Ricker at Skylight Photo always does an amazing job behind
the lens. But the thing is that it isn’t
real. I’m just faking it. I ain’t even close to being a bike racer
right now.
Over 14 months after my concussion, I am having more and
more good days, but then I get carried away, try to do too much and my head
reminds me that it always decides now. Last
Sunday, I rode one lap of the cyclocross course at the Mike’s Bike Shop CX race
in Dieppe and instantly knew there is no way that I could have raced. My PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress) made me feel
quite terrified on the course even if a few years ago I would have loved the
off-camber descents and other technical aspects. The semi-slick gravel tires that I had on my
bike didn’t help but I still felt like I still cannot focus enough to race. The
crowd and pre-race commotion also tired me out.
I am not saying this just because I wouldn’t have gotten a good
result. I literally would have been in
the way. Looking back, I can see lots of
progress, but I also know that I still have a long way to go. To be honest, when I first got to the park I
really wished that I was racing as I checked out the beautiful course that was laid out
and riders pre-riding. I missed the
focus and clarity experienced during and after a race, the way that everything
becomes clear and you feel so very alive.
I missed the fans heckling. I missed railing a grass turn. I missed feeling like I was at home. That feeling quickly changed about 10 minutes into the race when I saw
everyone’s pain face. It didn’t seem as
much fun then even if I used to really love the suffering. I can’t really say if I will ever race again
or not. I have however promised myself
that it will only be when I am 100% symptom free and after having worked
through many issues that have come up since the injury. Most days, I project the outside image that I
am there already, but inside I know for sure that I am not. For now, I must simply be here now. I have developed so much body awareness since
the injury that I can really feel every little slight nuisance and minimal
symptom now. They are constant reminders
that I still, and will forever, carry my concussion with me. This heightened awareness protects me and I
am committed to listening to what it is telling me. My body now has my full attention.
A few years ago I would have certainly judged someone like
me, who really seems fine, rides the course all decked out in his cycling kit,
but still refuses to race. I don’t think
that I will ever judge someone else that way now or in the future. Like playing the Type 1 game, we never know
how much someone can be suffering just by looking at their outside. One of the worse things about Type 1 gaming
and living with Post-Concussion Syndrome is that both are completely invisible.
The majority of the struggle is happening
behind closed doors in the background when nobody is looking. It’s such a lonely form of pain and
suffering.
I have slowly been riding more and more on the mountain bike
and on the road. My legs and cardio have
absolutely nothing to say in how long and fast I can ride. They could always go harder but it is now always
my head that decides. I remember
attempting to do a specific road loop on Father’s Day, but ended up turning
around before getting too far because my head was telling me that it wasn’t up
to it that day. It isn’t always easy to
be honest with myself in situations like these but I have promised myself that
I would. During my vacation a month
later, I was very happy to be able to finally finish that Father’s day
ride. General fatigue and ongoing stress
seem to affect me the most right now.
The Cyclebetes hangover last week was quite intense. I have a much harder time dealing with stress
and it really, really takes so much out of me when I do. Exhaustion and panic attacks are how I react
to high stress right now.
Most days I feel like I will never ever be the same even if
the neurologist that I saw last winter said that I eventually will. He just couldn’t tell me how long it would
take. It’s like my body has developed
these new safety features that protect me.
Our bodies are much wiser than our minds. They instinctively know exactly what we need to
thrive and survive. The problem is that
all too often we don’t slow down or stop long enough to listen. I believe that pretty much all injuries and
illnesses are a result of not paying attention to or being disconnected from
our body’s wisdom. If we ignore the
initial whispers, they become louder and louder screams that eventually force
us to a sudden halt. Our bodies are
experts at maintaining health if we work with it. When we don’t, we make ourselves sick and
unwell.
Injuries and illnesses are so humbling. Until they happen, they really only happen to
other people. I’m not sure if it is
simple luck or that I had been pretty good at listening to my gut instincts,
but this is the first time that I have suffered a “severe” injury; plenty of
scrapes, strains and bruises but nothing that lingered longer than a few
weeks. Up to this point I have done lots
of epic and somewhat dangerous shit and still managed to save my ass for close
to 48 years. And that may be why I am
finding dealing with this to be so very difficult? As humans, we tend to take for granted everything
that we find easy, that doesn’t require effort.
Maybe injuries and illnesses exist as reminders? And if we’re lucky, we get to recover from
them and hopefully learn the lesson that is being taught. In many ways, that is how I feel; very
grateful and blessed to have been given a second chance. And in this sense, I hope that I never will
be the same. Maybe never being the same
again isn’t a bad thing? Wisdom is so
very, very expensive. I’ve seen the #slowlife
hashtag used in social media in regards to TBI (traumatic brain injury)
recovery and it really does describe how such an injury affects you. I can’t do anything fast right now. Maybe the whole purpose is to learn how to slow
down. We do miss so many of the precious
fine details when we’re moving at race pace.
6 comments:
just keep it up one day at a time. it is not easy as we go older.
Thanks Mike... Like you said, one day at a time :-)
Hiya Mike, a concussion tale: in high school football I got hammered by a guy who went on to be a tough NHL player. I did not know what hit me but blacked out, saw stars etc. and then had foggy perceptions for a couple days. Doc said concussion, was not allowed to sleep long etc. I missed several weeks of school since could not focus or comprehend. I could not perceive what people said since it came through as disjointed and meaningless. These episodes became less frequent and less severe over the next months but were very disconcerting. I think I had headaches now and then but cannot clearly recall that. Anyhow - eventually I got back to normal me or at least what was familiar to me in how I dealt with the world. I've had head hits since but I guess was lucky since subsequent concussions are supposedly easier to "acquire" after a first one and I never had another. One of those times MTBing maybe 7 years ago, I augured in hard on my head, could feel neck crunch and really thought I'd done it this time - one rider standing there thought I was dead - was paralyzed for a couple minutes. But wowee, recovered with no lasting effects quite soon after and still riding lots today - only in the woods, no road. So hoping this gives you some cheer - mine does not seem to have been as harsh as yours from what you describe but I would have faith in what the neurologist says that it will get better. Best to you bud, you deserve that and hope to see you over here on PEI checking out the newly-built and awesome trail additions we have at Brookvale and Bonshaw/Strathgartney!!!
Very insightful as always, thanks Mike.
As a sign of gratitude for how my husband was saved from diabetes , i decided to reach out to those still suffering from this.
My husband was diagnosed of diabetes and it was really tough and heartbreaking for me because he was my all and the symptoms were terrible, he had difficulty eating, and he always complain of stomach pain and he always have frequent urination . we tried various therapies prescribed by our neurologist but none could cure him. I searched for a cure and i saw a testimony by someone who was cured and so many other with similar body problem, and he left the contact of the doctor who had the cure to diabetes . I never imagine diabetes has a cure not until i contacted him and he assured me my husband will be fine. I got the herbal medication he recommended and my husband used it and in one months he was fully okay even up till this moment he is so full of life. diabetes has a cure and it is a herbal cure contact the doctor for more info on drwilliams098675@gmail.com on how to get the medication. Thanks for reading my testimony
Interesting perspective, though I'm not sure I agree. The pursuit of endurance sports, whether you qualify it as healthy, unhealthy, obsessive or otherwise, will always be a subjective thing. In other words, what one person deems healthy, the next may view as obsessive. A person who trains once a week - obsessive or not? Due to emotional baggage or not? What about 5 times a week? What about 10 hours a week? What about the person who races but doesn't train? I guess my point is, one can engage in a pursuit, even to the point of obsession, without there having to be emotional baggage as the cause. Excel in sport? Baggage! Pro athletes? Baggage. I know the response might be, if you don't find it, you're not looking hard enough or deep enough but again, it's all about perspective. I don't think the individual nature of what drives and motivates human beings can be so easily explained away.
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