Our Inner Trauma

“Trauma is not what happens to you. Trauma is what happens inside you, as a result of what happens to you.” — Dr. Gabor Maté    I’ve been seeing a psychologist for a few years now.  When I was younger, I didn’t really believe in this kind of therapy.  I mean, how can simply talking about our problems make them go away.  Slowly, I began to open and understand that the only way to reprogram these old foundational thought patterns is by first understanding them.  Why am I so obsessed with control?  Why am I terrified of letting my guard down?  Beliefs and behaviors molded by certain experiences that I have lived through in the past.  Experiences that triggered very unpleasant feelings that got stuck inside of me.  Behaviors that my mind came up with as a means to protect me to ensure my survival.  Trauma.  So simple.  So common.  So very crippling.  Like the layers of an onion, all we can do is start peeling.  Dig deep.  Go back to try to understand what we couldn’t at the time.  At the end of every single psychology session I feel lighter.  My shoulders less sloped.  My head higher.  Something about the weight of my pain leaving my body with my spoken words.   An ongoing process.  The work of a lifetime.  Sunday was cool and cloudy.  But I had an appointment with my other therapist.  My Giant Revolt.  Just me and my bike.  Over 3.5 hours of crushing gravel through the city parks.  Inner spaciousness.  Much lighter.  Something about the weight of my pain leaving my body with my turning pedals.