Independant

I recently read that extreme or ultra-independence is a trauma response.  This really spoke to me.  So many dots connected.  Society tends to look at independence as strength.  Reading this made me look at it differently.  It also made me look back at my own life as a sexual abuse survivor.  I definitely recognize a shift that happened inside of me when it all happened where I felt a very strong need to learn how to do everything myself.  Maybe from a lack of trust?  Or more likely as a means to try to control.  I mostly ride alone.  Something about making my rides more personal I guess.  I’m always riding at the ideal pace.  I’m never waiting for anyone or trying to catch up.  And then there’s also the necessity to be self-sufficient in the case of a mechanical.  Carrying the right stuff.  Not too much.  Just enough to get you home safely.  I guess you could say that I’m very independent like that.  I hate over-complicating things.  I hate drama.  Whenever I feel like getting out for a ride I usually just go.  By myself.  Keep it simple.  This past week on vacation I rode every day.  Over 250 kilometers on all the different bikes.  Six out of seven days solo.  I’m working on letting others in and accepting help when I need it.  But I’m still very much okay with my extreme riding independence.